The Joys and Challenges of Foster Care
- Encourage
- 1 hour ago
- 6 min read
Alexis Price, Foster Care Assessor, shares joys, challenges and recipes of comfort and healing for foster families.
As a home study assessor, I have the privilege of journeying alongside individuals who want to become foster parents. And, when the time comes, I get the honor to celebrate with them and be the first to congratulate them on becoming licensed. One of my roles in the licensing process is performing an interview with prospective foster parents. Of course, the interview helps me to get to know them, but it's more than that. The interview is a powerful tool to help prospective foster parents think through different situations and approaches when it comes to caring for and parenting a child not born to them.
And, it’s a lot. Welcoming a foster child into your life is A LOT. I think one of my foster families summed it up the best when they told me, “Stepping into foster care is inviting trauma into your home.” And, in the same breath, I’d argue that stepping into foster care is also inviting healing into a foster child’s life. In every single heavy reality our foster families face, there may just be a pocket of hope, a pocket of peace, a pocket of healing, a pocket of grace in knowing that foster parents have the ability to embody the relentless safety and love all children deserve.
Trauma is devastating. Enduring a trauma has the potential to wreak havoc on one’s nervous system, rewire the brain’s chemistry, and leave lasting impacts on one’s perception of the world. The idea that individuals would choose to welcome that into their home feels uncomfortable and seems unreasonable. However, when we add in different recipes for hope, inviting trauma into your home transforms into inviting healing into their story. However, rewriting a story you weren’t there to witness is never easy. Amid the challenges that many foster parents encounter, may these recipes of hope provide pockets of comfort and healing.
What are some common challenges foster parents may experience?
Challenge 1: Behavioral Needs
I like to believe that knowledge can be regulating. If a foster child is struggling with a wide variety of behavioral issues, it might feel regulating to know it’s normal. Behaviors are oftentimes indicators of a need. Maybe ask yourself, “What does my child need that they are turning to behaviors to fulfill the need?” It’s the role of foster parents to help fine or name that need and, from there, meet the need.
"Behavior is the language of unmet need." - Amanda Purvis
Is the child screaming, crying, and throwing things at bedtime? Maybe the child has a previous trauma that happened in the dark, and their body is fighting the memory in an attempt to flee to safety. Be curious and calm. Entering dysregulation with dysregulation will never result in regulation. Implement common phrases to help remind the child they are safe with you. Seek professional help from a children’s therapist or another mental health provider. Dig into some community resources or trauma-informed trainings. Reach out to the child’s support team and your support system. Wrestling with a child’s trauma is not a task to complete on your own.
Learn more about meeting behavioral needs. specifically with TBRI on our blog.
Challenge 2: Interacting with Birth Parents
The number one goal of foster care is reunification. We want to see children reunited with their biological families. We want family units to stay together, and we want families to be healthy and well. Typically, when a child enters the foster care system, the family unit isn’t healthy and well. Just as the child undeniably deserves love, care, and support—the biological family is also in need of love, care, and support. Navigating relationships with birth parents, however, can be difficult. The safety of the child is the number one priority, and it can feel counterintuitive for foster parents to pursue interaction with the individuals who were unable to maintain safety for the child now in foster care. It can be hard to know how to build positive relationships with birth parents at the same time as maintaining personal boundaries at the same time as keeping the child’s best interests in mind.
One of my foster families shared with me that instead of giving a biological parent their cell phone number, the foster parents set up a Google number to utilize with the biological parent. That way, there was a personal boundary and sense of personal data safety while also an open line for communication. Maintaining boundaries can also look like seeking the guidance of the professionals in the child’s and birth parents’ case. You can ask your county case worker if they have any insight on the birth parents’ communication tendencies, and you can, from there, establish a plan for communication. Sending pictures/bringing pictures of the foster child to visits and/or writing letters can be a way to help the biological family still feel like a part of the foster child’s life as well as help develop a positive rapport, too. When moments are really hard, I find that empathy and prayer have also helped foster parents navigate birth family interactions, too.
To learn more about the relationship between biological and foster families, read our blog.
Challenge 3: Saying Goodbye
A common phrase I hear from individuals who find out I work in foster care is, “I could never be a foster parent! I’d get too attached!” I used to give a signature, awkward laugh and change topics. Now that I’m a bit bolder, I sometimes offer curiosity. “What does would that look like for you?” And almost always, I’m met with, “I’d get too attached, and then they’d leave.” Ahh, there it is.
You see, I am of the (maybe controversial) belief that foster parents should get “too attached” to their foster children. I think foster parents should outpour massive amounts of love and adoration and care and support and resources into their foster child. I think foster parents should bridge the attachment gap that their foster child might have never received. I think these things because I believe all children deserve healthy love and healthy attachment—especially those navigating life in foster care. Withholding attachment, in my opinion, is a survival mechanism we have that protects ourselves from pain. And, my goodness, there IS indescribable pain in a child leaving your home, no matter the circumstance.
"Don't try to navigate it alone."
Though I do believe foster parents need to get “too attached” to their foster child, I also believe foster parents need to have secure attachments within their support system to help them navigate goodbyes, too. Surround yourself with other foster parents who “get it.” Surround yourself with people who are not afraid of raw emotion. Surround yourself with people who will grieve right alongside you and sit in the pain of transition and the cessation of what was. Don’t try to navigate it alone. Give yourself permission to take a break, rest, and recharge. Don’t belittle yourself for your capacity looking different or the tears that come. Be empowered to reach out to a professional for additional and specific help if you need it.
You can make a plan for post-goodbyes ahead of time to give your body and mind a sense of security, too. This is a mechanism called “coping ahead.” Though you may not be able to intentionally decide how a goodbye will impact you, you can have some items on stand-by. If you find processing in a journal is helpful, have a journal solely dedicated to your foster care journey. If you find that you need a mental break after emotionally heavy events, maybe set aside some money for a vacation or trip to help you reset after a goodbye. If you find cleaning and organizing your space gives you peace, maybe find a house DIY project to bring you light and happiness in the sorrow. If you are a sentimental soul, maybe write a letter to your foster child every week and send those letters with them when they leave your home. Maybe write a letter after they leave, too. If feasible, find out if you can maintain some kind of contact and pursue that route.
Foster care is hard. Give yourself grace and know you are not alone. Reach out to those around you. Give yourself the best foundation you can before inviting trauma into your home and inviting healing into their life.
Foster parents are incredible people, and it is truly an honor to know them and walk with them as their journeys unfold.
About the Author
Alexis Price, MSW, LSW
Foster Care Assessor
I love working as a Foster Care Assessor with Encourage! I have a passion for developing deep connections and relationships, and it is an honor to be welcomed into people's stories. I am passionate how to best support our foster families and kiddos as well as getting to walk alongside them in these meaningful journeys.
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